The first programmer finishes and walks over to the sink to wash
his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses
paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot
of water on his hands is dried. Turning to the other two, he says,
"At Microsoft, we are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second programmer finishes his task at the urinal and he
proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel
and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion
of the paper towel.
He turns and says, "At Intel not only are we trained to be extremely
thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third programmer finished and walks straight for the door,
shouting over his shoulder: "At Netscape, we don't piss on our hands."
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent,
happened upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome
prince until an
evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I
will turn back
into a prince and then we can marry, move into the
castle with my mom,
and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear
my children, and
forever feel happy doing so."
That night, the princess had frog legs for dinner.
The only thing the I.R.S. has not taxed is the
penis. This is
> due to the fact that
> 40% of the time it's hanging around
> 20% of the time it's pissed off,
> 30% of the time it's hard up,
> 10% of the time it is in the hole.
> On top of all this, it has two dependents and they
> Accordingly, starting January 1, 1998, penises will
> according to size!!
> To determine the category, please consult the chart
> confirm this information of Page2, Section 7, Line 3,
> of the standard 1040P form.
> 10 to 12 Inches* Luxury Tax
> 8 to 10 inches Pole Tax
> 6 to 8 inches Privilege Tax
> 4 to 6 inches Nuisance Tax
> PLEASE NOTE: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a
> PLEASE DO NOT REQUEST AN EXTENSION!!!
> * Males exceeding 12 inches must file Capital Gains.
>> WANTS AND NEEDS (wontz and nedz) n.
>> female: The delicate balance of emotional,
>> psychological longing one seeks to have
>> in a relationship.
>> male: Food, sex and beer.
>> THINGY (thing-ee) n.
>> female: Any part under a car's hood.
>> male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
>> LESBIAN (lez-bi-an) n.
>> female: A woman who makes love to other women.
>> male: A woman who has sex with other women so
>> watch and get really turned on.
>> GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n.
>> female: The invisible barrier that stops women
>> to the upper levels in business.
>> male: What would really be great at work since
>> babe took over the office one flight up.
>> VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
>> female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally
>> male: Playing cricket without a cup.
>> COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
>> female: The open sharing of thoughts and
feelings with one's
>> male: Scratching out a note before suddenly
taking off for
>> a weekend with the guys.
>> BUTT (but) n.
>> female: The body part that every item of clothing
>> manufactured makes "look bigger."
>> male: The organ of mooning (and farting).
>> COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
>> female: A desire to get married and raise a
>> male: Not trying to pick up other women while
>> one's girlfriend.
>> ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
>> female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
>> male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or
>> FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
>> female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
>> male: An endless source of enterainment,
>> and male bonding.
>> MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
>> female: The greatest expression of intimacy a
>> male: What men have to call "boinking" to get
>> REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
>> female: A device for changing from one TV channel
>> male: A device for scanning through all 75
channels every 2
>> 1/2 minutes.
>> TASTE (tayst) v.
>> female: Something you do frequently to whatever
>> cooking, to make sure it's good.
>> male: Something you must do to anything you
>> gone bad, prior to tossing it out.
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of
"I think there is a world market for maybe
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of
this country and
talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a
fad that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what ... is it good for?"
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of
IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer
in their home."
--Ken Olson, president, chairman, and founder of Digital
Equipment Corp., 1977
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings
to be seriously
considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no
value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial
Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings
for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed,
but in order to
earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
--A Yale University management professor in response to
Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery
service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
--H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling
on his face,
not Gary Cooper."
--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading
role in "Gone With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides,
the market research
reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like
--Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields'
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music
is on the way
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have
experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do
--Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique
adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've
got this amazing
thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about
funding us? Or, we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our
salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So, then, we went to
Hewlett-Packard,and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got
through college yet.'"
--Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to
get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation
and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against
which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high
--1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's
revolutionary rocket work.
"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle
across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life.
You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable
condition of weight training."
--Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable"
problem by inventing Nautilus.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the
ground to try and find
oil? You're crazy."
--Drillers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his
project to drill for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently
--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University,
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military
--Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
Superieure de Guerre.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents,1899.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous
--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse,1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will
forever be shut
from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
--Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed
Surgeon- Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981
"$100 million dollars is way too much to pay
-- IBM, 1982