Fresh off of the Associated Press Wire..... ;-)
AP - Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today,
President Clinton's firm denial:
"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a
bitter taste in my
mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am
shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and
blown up in my face.
"This may be a load to handle, but when things are
hard, that is when I
am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past,
and I know what is
coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know
how: head on.
"I have licked bigger things than this before, and I
will again. No one
will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a
finisher, that she
quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and
fight this, blow
by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair.
I will not be
stained by it.
Subject: FRACTURED FAIRY TALES
NOT FOR KIDS, FRACTURED FAIRY TALES
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked
won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the
garden, her fairy
godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella
with everything she
needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your
turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella
Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother.
"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me
"I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or
Did you hear that Captain Hook died from jock itch?
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so
she ran up
behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then
sat on his
face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods
suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a
tree and, holding a
machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw
your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into
basket and pulled out a .45 magnum and pointed it at
him and said, "No
you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says
in the book!"
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court
judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is
Mickey replied, "No I didn't. I said she is f*cking
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes
about splinters whenever they had sex.
Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever
and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio
through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
What State Mottos SHOULD Be:
Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthang
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to
Mainland Scum, But Leave
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're
Not,But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good
Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But
That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For
Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: For Sale
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer
##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You
Have the Right to an
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: Um...We've got...Um...Dinosaur Bones?
Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!
Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Se Hablo Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw
Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese