Women are expert at posing questions that seem to have no right answer.
> >Here's a common example:
> >"DO I LOOK FAT?"
> >There is no answer to this question that won't be interpreted as "yes".
> >"No" means yes. "Yes" means yes. "I don't know" means yes. "It
> >matter" means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means
> >yes, yes, yes. Most of us would rather take our degrees again than
> >this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real
> >choice is to say NO, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility
> >any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and
> >simply your opinion. This doesn't work, but all the other options are
> >There are several other questions for which "no" is the only answer,
> >several more that call for an emphatic and unqualified yes. In all of
> >these cases, elaboration, justification or any attempt to be funny is
> >unlikely to pay off.
> >Consult this handy chart:
> >JUST SAY NO
> > Is there someone else?
> > Do you still fantasize about her?
> > Are you tired of me?
> >JUST SAY YES
> > Do you still love me?
> > Do you ever fantasize about me?
> > Do you like my hair this way?
> >Unfortunately, many female inquiries require more than a simple yes or
> >response. Some of them are more like riddles. Such as this one:
> >"WHICH SHOES LOOK BETTER?"
> >Typically you're already late for dinner when your wife/S.O. confronts
> >you, with one pair of shoes on and another alongside them. This is no
> >ordinary choice. It's a devious chicken/egg puzzler. If you pick the
> >shoes she already has on, she'll think you're trying to hurry her. If
> >pick the other pair, she'll think it's because you know you can't pick
> >the ones she has on. Some men try a non-linear approach and opt for a
> >third, unoffered pair of shoes, but this is inevitably taken as either
> >attack on her judgment or an opportunity for her to attack yours. On
> >account suggest another dress. You might as well say, "You're fat."
> >This raises the question of why she's asking you at all. She knows you
> >don't know which shoes look better, and she knows you don't care, so
> >is she trying to elicit your opinion? This is part of an ongoing
> >campaign to domesticate you. As part of the same campaign, she will
> >occasionally consult you about alternative table settings or new
> >In these two cases a disdainful and dismissive "beats me" should do the
> >trick, but don't try that with the shoe dilemma, or you'll miss your
> >reservation. Instead, suggest that she try on the other shoes, then
> >her the first ones look better. This lets you more or less off the
> >as long as you don't raise a fuss when she decides that the second are
> >better after all.
> >"WHERE DO YOU SEE THIS RELATIONSHIP GOING?"
> >This could be described as an essay question, since you're obviously
> >going to get away with snappy little answers such as "forward" or
> >"upstairs" or "I dunno". Another problem is that you and your
> >are operating at cross-purposes here. She wants a heartfelt expression
> >of your feelings and an honest assessment of your future together, and
> >you want an easier question. There is certainly no point in answering
> >toe-curling query like this one without at least a rough idea of
> >precisely what it is she wants to hear. Questions such as this one are
> >category unto themselves, i.e. questions that should be answered with
> >another question. See how easily some of the more difficult leading
> >inquiries can be parried through the simple deployment of reflexive
> >HER: Where do you see this relationship going?
> >YOU: Where do you see this relationship going?
> >HER: Do you think she's attractive?
> >YOU: Who?
> >HER: Will you marry me?
> >YOU: Where am I?
> >HER: What if I were pregnant?
> >YOU: Are you pregnant?
> >HER: Why? Do I look fat?
> >Whoops! We're in a bit of trouble here. You should have seen that
> >coming. Try a more surreal approach:
> >HER: What if I were pregnant?
> >YOU: What if I were pregnant?
> >At the very least it gives you time to think up a better answer. Some
> >all-purpose question-answers include: How much is a lot? Why do you
> >ask? Should I be? What are you saying? Does it matter? What's love
> >gotta do with it? Are you talking to me? (Note: Are you having your
> >period? is not one of these.)
> >Let's try a math question.
> >"HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH?"
> >Hmmmmm....Now, you can tell her the truth, unless the truth is more
> >12, or you can have a guess at the number she's more or less expecting.
> >Like most arithmetic problems, the answer is a lot easier once you have
> >formula. This one should work as long as neither of you has sex for a
> >Number of people she's slept with +
> >Number of people she knows you've slept with +
> >Number of people you actually have slept with.
> >Add these up and divide by 2. If you round up to the nearest whole
> >person, you should end up with a realistically healthy but not
> >particularly shocking number. If the result is greater than 12, then
> >12. Let's move on.
> >"HAVE YOU TAKEN A LOOK AT YOURSELF LATELY?"
> >This question and its cousin, the almost always uncalled for "Who do
> >think you are?", are ways of gently reminding you how much of a factor
> >pity was in her original decision to go out with you, and how that
> >decision could be rescinded if you behave in any way that cannot be
> >described as abject. You probably brought this rebuke on yourself by
> >mentioning that you reckon Brad Pitt is getting a little chubby or by
> >speculating that Jack Nicholson doesn't have to wait until his birthday
> >for oral sex. You're not really supposed to answer either of these
> >questions. You're just supposed to apologize for your wanton
> >self-esteem-having. Instead of apologizing, just smile. Your manifold
> >inadequacies as a boyfriend - nay, as a man - are a kind of revenge all
> >by themselves. Next!
> >There is only one question that you should never, ever answer. Keep
> >silent, cower behind your Fifth Amendment rights, pretend you didn't
> >hear, run away, whatever, but don't say anything when she asks:
> >"SHOULD I GET ALL OF MY HAIR CUT OFF?"
> >If you say anything, then when she does get all her hair cut off (and
> >let's face it, she's already made up her mind) and she hates it (and
> >will hate it), it will be your fault. Even if you say absolutely
> >nothing, the best you can hope for is that she will come home with all
> >her hair cut off, stare you straight in the eye and say:
> >"DOES IT MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"
> >You're on your own.
This is not meant to be an affront against marriage. If
> > and some of this hits home, than it's a perfect time to
spice up your
> > LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
> > LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
> > MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.
> > LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
> > LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
> > MARRIAGE - What are you talking about?
> > LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
> > LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
> > MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.
> > LOVE - When you share everything you own.
> > LUST - When you steal everything they own.
> > MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.
> > LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
> > LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't
> > MARRIAGE - What's a climax?
> > LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
> > LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
> > MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch.
> > LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
> > LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
> > MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.
> > LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's
> > LUST - When you couldn't care less
> > MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.
> > LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."
> > LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next
> > MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.
> > LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with
> > LUST - When you only see each other naked.
> > MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.
> > LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
> > LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
> > MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see
> > LOVE - When nobody else matters.
> > LUST - When nobody else knows.
> > MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't
care who knows.
> > LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly
how you feel.
> > LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do
> > MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.
> > LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to
> > LUST - When staying together is something you try not
to think about.
> > MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only
> > LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with
> > LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO
> > MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf