How do you advise non-parents on how to get
ready for parenthood?
> > Preparation for parenthood is not
matter of reading books and
> > decorating the nursery. Here are
tests for expectant
> > to take to prepare themselves for
real-life experience of being
> > mother or father.
> > 1. Women: to prepare
for maternity, put on
a dressing gown and
> > a beanbag-chair down the front. Leave
there for 9 months. After 9
> > months, take out 10% of the beans.
> > Men:
to prepare for paternity, go to the
local pharmacy, tip
> > contents of your wallet on the counter,
tell the pharmacist to
> > help himself. Then go to the supermarket.
Arrange to have your
> > paid directly to their head office.
Pick up the paper. Read
> > it for the last time.
> > 2. Before you finally go ahead and
children, find a couple who
> > are already parents and berate them
their methods of
> > lack of patience, appallingly low
levels, and how they
> > allowed their children to run riot.
ways in which they might
> > improve their child's sleeping habits,
> > and overall behavior. Enjoy it --
the last time in your
> > that you will have all the answers.
> > 3. To discover how the nights will
around the living room
> > from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag
approximately 8-12 lbs.
> > At 10pm put the bag down, set the
midnight, and go to
> > Get up at 12 and walk around the
again, with the bag,
> > 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As
get back to sleep get up
> > at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed
Get up again at 3am
> > the alarm goes off. Sing songs in
until 4am. Put the alarm
> > for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast.
Keep this up
for 5 years. Look
> > cheerful.
> > 4. Can you stand the mess children
find out, first smear
> > peanut butter onto the sofa and jam
curtains. Hide a fish
> > finger behind the stereo and leave
all summer. Stick your
> > fingers in the flowerbeds then rub
the clean walls. Cover
> > stains with crayons. How does that
> > 5. Dressing small children is not
as easy as
it seems: first buy an
> > octopus and a string bag. Attempt
to put the
octopus into the string
> > bag so that none of the arms hang
allowed for this - all
> > morning.
> > 6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair
scissors and a pot of paint
> > turn it into an alligator. Now take
tube. Using only scotch
> > tape and a piece of foil, turn it
Christmas cracker. Last,
> > a milk container, a ping pong ball,
empty packet of Cocoa
> > and make an exact replica of the
Tower. Congratulations. You
> > have just qualified for a place on
> > 7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus.
don't think you can leave
> > out in the driveway spotless and
Family cars don't look
> > that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar
it in the glove
> > compartment. Leave it there. Get
Stick it in the cassette
> > player. Take a family-size packet
chocolate cookies. Mash them
> > the back seats. Run a garden rake
sides of the car.
> > Perfect.
> > 8. Get ready to go out: wait outside
toilet for half an hour. Go
> > out the front door. Come in again.
Come back in. Go out
> > Walk down the front path. Walk back
Walk down it again. Walk
> > very slowly down the road for 5 minutes.
to inspect minutely
> > every cigarette end, piece of used
gum, dirty tissue and
> > insect along the way. Retrace your
Scream that you've had as
> > much as you can stand, until the
come out and stare at
> > Give up and go back into the house.
now just about ready to
> > try taking a small child for a walk.
> > 9. Always repeat everything you say
> > 10. Go to your local supermarket.
you the nearest thing
> > can find to a pre-school child -
grown goat is excellent. If
> > you intend to have more than one
more than one goat. Buy
> > your week's groceries without letting
goats out of your sight.
> > for everything the goats eat or destroy.
Until you can easily
> > acccomplish this do not even contemplate
> > 11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small
the side. Suspend it
> > the ceiling and swing it from side
Now get a bowl of soggy
> > Weetabix and attempt to spoon it
swaying melon by
> > to be an airplane. Continue until
Weetabix is gone. Tip the
> > rest into your lap, making sure that
a lot of
it falls on the floor.
> > You are now ready to feed a 12-month
> > 12. Learn the names of every character
Postman Pat, Fireman Sam
> > and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
find yourself singing
> > "Postman Pat" at work, you finally
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built
specifically to launch dead
> >chickens at the windshields of airliners, military
jets and the space
> >all traveling at max. velocity. The idea is to
simulate the frequent
> >of collisions with airborne fowl to test the
strength of the windshields.
> >British engineers heard about the gun and were
eager to test it on the
> >windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made. But
> >the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as
the chicken hurtled out
> of the
> >barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,
smashed it to smithereens,
> >through the control console, snapped the engineer's
backrest in two and
> >itself in the back of the cabin.
> >Horrified, the Britons sent NASA the disastrous
results of the experiment,
> >with the designs of the windshield, and begged the
U.S. scientists for
> >NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the