"Members of Congress...people of America....I banged her. I banged her
like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think
Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you
haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried
to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because
they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former
Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy.
Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the
ice- water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm
equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI
files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean
wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to
Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed
every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.
Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know
I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned
out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an
aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called
"Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House.
Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's
he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17%
prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had
just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood,
the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket
to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an
inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American
society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty
himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious
atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former
residents of the White House. Which brings me back to my point.
Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House,
government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first
time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't
seem to care about, evidently.
Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a
And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of
dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell
'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his
boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from. Bottom
I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing.
What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter ...
unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to
In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life
you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on
their car which said, "TWO
policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them
have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign
SAVES." They asked the cop why he let the other car go
and he said,
"Well, that's a little different, it pertains to
religion." So the two
ladies took their sign down and took off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when
the two ladies driving around with a large sign on
their car again.
Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up
with them when
he noticed the new sign which read.........."TWO
Grandma, who was living with her daughter's
family, let her
11-year-old grandson in from school. "What did you
learn today?" she
asked. "Sex education. All about penises and vaginas
and stuff," he replied matter-of-factly. The old woman
was shocked and
reported the conversation to her daughter. Her
daughter replied, "Mom,
this is the Nineties. These days it's all part of the
A few hours later, the grandmother was reading
when her daughter
announced that dinner was ready. Grandmother walked
grandson's bedroom and noticed him on his bed,
"Sonny," she said, "when you're finished with your
homework, come on
downstairs to eat."
AND THE YEAR'S BEST HEADLINES ARE...
>> >Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
>> >Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
>> >Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
>> >Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
>> >Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
>> >Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
>> >Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
>> >Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
>> >British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
>> >Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
>> >Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
>> >Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
>> >Miners Refuse To Work After Death
>> >Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
>> >Stolen Painting Found By Tree
>> >Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout
>> >Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
>> >War Dims Hope For Peace
>> >If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A
>> >Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
>> >Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
>> >Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
>> >Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
>> >Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
>> >New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
>> >Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
>> >Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
>> >Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed Needy
>> >Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
>> >New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
>> >Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors