The three men started talking, bragging about their
sons. The first man
told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so
successful that he
gave a friend a new home -- for free!"
The second man said, "My son is a car dealer. He's so
successful that he
gave a friend two BMW's!"
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My
son is a
stockbroker. He's doing so well that he gave his
friend an entire stock
The fourth man eventually joined them on the tee. The
first man mentioned,
"We were just bragging about our sons. How is your
doing? The fourth man
sheepishly admitted, "WILLIAM? Well, I'm embarrassed
to say that he's gay!
But he must be really good -- his last three
boyfriends gave him a house, 2
BMW's and a stock portfolio!"
Age and Womanhood:
> 1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa,
> 2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia,
> 3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like
> explored breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her
> 4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe,
> but still has points of interest.
> 5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows
> but who gives a damn.
10 Ways to Know If You Have PMS:
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything
5. Your using your cellular phone to dial up every
"How's my driving- call 1-800-***-****.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it
100 ZANY WAYS TO PHONE IN A PIZZA ORDER
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers
while ordering. Ask the
person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on
the other line and
you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just
surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the
crap about nutrition
and ask if they have something outlandishly
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation:
COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song
"Master of Puppets" CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather,
spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g.
If phoning Domino's,
ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then
behave as if they
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If
they ask if you
would like drinks with that, panic and become
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get
him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal
pattern as follows
from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask
if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from
somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters'
26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A
little later, slap
yourself and say "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have
it right, say "OK.
That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they
say yes, heave a
sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of
"pepperoni." Use the long "i"
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When
they say yes, say
"Well, so is this! You've got some explaining
to do!" When they
finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza
Place), start to
cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from
your lips as you speak.
When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back
into place and scream
goodbye at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your
pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh?
Oh, you mean now."
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate
if the deliverer hid
behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to
arrive so you can
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts
about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the
movie people call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell
your dog it should be
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a
dozen of your best,
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch
yourself, and say "Where
was I? Who are you?"
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call
them, and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a
Twinkie. Ask that
these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to
say you were drunk
and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell
his supervisor he's
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and
"Jesus Joseph and Mary
in Tinsel Town."
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare,
"I shall not be
swayed by your sweet words."
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza
Place), Take 1, and. .
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a
little more OOMPH
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5
seconds throughout the
69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button
on the phone does."
Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date
and saying, "This may
be my last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as this
relationship is going
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking
a pizza." Make up a
description to go with the term. Ask that this
be done to your
73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the
phone. Ask if they
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it
to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza,
include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica.
Stop talking at regular
intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza.
Suggest an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you
won't take any crap
from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the
code on all subsequent
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When
asked to repeat that,
say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms.
Make the last thing you
say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they
have a chance to
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly.
When it is repeated
again, change it again. On the third time, say
"You just don't get
it, do you?"
84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that
I hate math."
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and
say "We'll find out,
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty.
Fluctuate pitch often;
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying
it at all costs. If
he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing
loudly in the
background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she
is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the
hour to say, "This is
your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so."
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public
If any of the above practices are rejected by
the order taker, 100.
in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do